i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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