I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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