ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
