I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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