WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
