chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
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I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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