i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
