My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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