you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
