So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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