we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
