i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
