theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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