drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
