If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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