that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
please come you make the beer taste better
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
