When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
