I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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