headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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