Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
