i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
