i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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