Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
