Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
