this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I FOUND THE LEGS
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
