We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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