so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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