I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
