I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.