Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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