I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???