Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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