Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
