Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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