did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Four minutes until I can fart!
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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