Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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