I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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