I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
