I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
