Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
