i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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