we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
