I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
