She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
