drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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