i think i have two assholes
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
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I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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