The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
