he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
