you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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