A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
third nipple confirmed
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
