Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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