I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
