ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
