so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
this boner is exhausting
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
