i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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