you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
