Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
