Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize