My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
try to milk me bitch
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